More Tools Needed (I have most, especially the last!)

[AKAkopa]

Keep this handy guide in your work shop.....


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
Bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
Your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had
Carefully set in the corner, where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
Workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
Calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What
The....??''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
Until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
Blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric San ding tool commonly used to convert minor
Touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
Principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
And the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
Future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers, to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
Welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
Intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
Objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
Wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
Projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
You have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
Under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a
Trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
Drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible
Future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
Good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
Can after you cut on the inside edge of the line instead of the outside
Edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
Everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably
Has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and
For opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
Shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
Screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
Convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
You needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. Works equally as well on
Boxes and thumbs.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
As a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
Object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
Cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
Such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
Magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
Slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

"DAMMIT" TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
While yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,
The next tool that you will need.

[Sparhawk]

How true, How true...

Matt

[Burdez]

This says it all!!!!
Erssel

[skeeter]

I can't stop laughing, I'm makin a copy for our woodworkers breakfast tomorrow

[Jr_Ranger]

Thanks for the giggles, I can relate!

[earlinjax]

That's a keeper for our club meeting

Earl