This is funny!

[kerry_nf]

*Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year for the amusement of
teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners..... **

*1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master. **

*2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. *

*3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse, without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. *

*4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was *
*room-temperature Canadian beef. *

*5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog *
*makes just before it throws up. *

*6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. *

*7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. *

*8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated *
*because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a *
*surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. *

*9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way *
*a bowling ball wouldn't. *

*10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag *
*filled with vegetable soup. *

*11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an *
*eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another *
*city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. *

*12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. *

*13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots *
*when you fry them in hot grease. *

*14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced *
*across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, *
*one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the *
*other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. *

*15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket *
*fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. *

*16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds *
*who had also never met. *

*17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she *
*was the East River. *

*18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, *
*only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. *

*19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. *

*20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike *
*Phil, this plan just might work. *

*21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not *
*eating for a while. *

*22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, *
*either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from *
*stepping on a land mine or something. *

*23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one *
*slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. *

*24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around *
*with power tools. *

*25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard *
*bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. *

[CanadianScroller]

Those were a delight.
I would love to read the rest of some of the stories.
I think some of them would be even funnier if they were in context.

[PuzzledMoose]

ROTFLMAO - I love those, Kerry.

They just reminded me of this site http://www.bulwer-lytton.com
Each year they have a competition where people enter trying to write the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels. There are "awards" for different genres of writing and some of them are hilarious.

Bulwer Lytton, whom the competition is named after, was a (bad!) 19th C English novelist who wrote, amongst other things, a novel called Paul Clifford It was made famous in the Peanuts cartoons where Snoopy often opens his novels with "It was a dark and stormy night", the opening line of Paul Clifford.

Carl may already know this, Lytton BC is named after Bulwer Lytton - he was Secretary of State for the Colonies for some time.

OK enough trivia ... But anyone who enjoyed those awful metaphors may enjoy the BL site ... have a look at the 2006 entries ...

[Dragon]

They all made me laugh but the first one that got me going was 12. Call me weird but I used to be married to a teacher and I've heard a lot of weird things before.
Diane

[Jediscroller]

Of course, the scary part is these are the people who will be running things when we're in our old age. hehehehe