| |
|
Subscribe Today!
| Magazine
| Scroll Saw Community
| Reader's Poll | | Testimonials Fantastic magazine, I love it! I wanted to make sure that I didn't miss an issue. I only wish that it came out more often... | | Found the Fox? 
| |
Welcome to Scroll Saw Woodworking & Crafts Message Board, an online scroll saw forum community where you can join thousands of scrollers from around the world discussing all things related to Scrolling. To gain full access to the message board you must register for a free account.
As a registered member you will be able to:
- Browse over 35,000 posts.
- Communicate privately with other scrollers from around the world.
- Post your own photos or view from 2,000 user submitted images.
- Gain access to exclusive scroll saw promotions offered by Scroll Saw Woodworking & Crafts and Fox Chapel Publishing.
All this and much more is available to you absolutely free when you register for an account, so sign up today!
If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact the Scroll Saw Woodworking & Crafts Support Team.
| Off Topic |
06-14-2007, 02:48 PM
|
#1 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 680
| This is funny! *Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year for the amusement of
teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners..... **
*1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master. **
*2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. *
*3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse, without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. *
*4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was *
*room-temperature Canadian beef. *
*5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog *
*makes just before it throws up. *
*6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. *
*7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. *
*8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated *
*because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a *
*surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. *
*9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way *
*a bowling ball wouldn't. *
*10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag *
*filled with vegetable soup. *
*11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an *
*eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another *
*city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. *
*12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. *
*13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots *
*when you fry them in hot grease. *
*14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced *
*across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, *
*one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the *
*other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. *
*15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket *
*fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. *
*16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds *
*who had also never met. *
*17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she *
*was the East River. *
*18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, *
*only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. *
*19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. *
*20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike *
*Phil, this plan just might work. *
*21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not *
*eating for a while. *
*22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, *
*either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from *
*stepping on a land mine or something. *
*23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one *
*slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. *
*24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around *
*with power tools. *
*25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard *
*bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. * |
| |
06-14-2007, 02:58 PM
|
#2 | | Moderator CUT IT OUT
Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Chilliwack British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 3,695
| Those were a delight.
I would love to read the rest of some of the stories.
I think some of them would be even funnier if they were in context.
__________________ CAЯL HIRD-RUTTEЯ "THE LYF SO SHORT, THE CRAFT SO LONG TO LERNE." GUSTAV STICKLEY Ryobi SC180VS scroll saw EX21 |
| |
06-14-2007, 03:20 PM
|
#3 | | Newly Customized Moose
Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Truro, Nova Scotia
Posts: 2,675
| ROTFLMAO - I love those, Kerry.
They just reminded me of this site http://www.bulwer-lytton.com
Each year they have a competition where people enter trying to write the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels. There are "awards" for different genres of writing and some of them are hilarious.
Bulwer Lytton, whom the competition is named after, was a (bad!) 19th C English novelist who wrote, amongst other things, a novel called Paul Clifford It was made famous in the Peanuts cartoons where Snoopy often opens his novels with "It was a dark and stormy night", the opening line of Paul Clifford.
Carl may already know this, Lytton BC is named after Bulwer Lytton - he was Secretary of State for the Colonies for some time.
OK enough trivia ...  But anyone who enjoyed those awful metaphors may enjoy the BL site ... have a look at the 2006 entries ...
__________________
Ian
Scrolling with a Dewalt 788
|
| |
06-14-2007, 09:54 PM
|
#4 | | junior moderator
Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Chertsey, Quebec, Canada
Posts: 2,019
| They all made me laugh but the first one that got me going was 12. Call me weird but I used to be married to a teacher and I've heard a lot of weird things before.
Diane
__________________ Dragon
Owner of a Dewalt 788
PuffityDragon on AFSP |
| |
06-14-2007, 11:45 PM
|
#5 | | Grumpy Old Moderator
Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Galaxy far, far away
Posts: 2,552
| Of course, the scary part is these are the people who will be running things when we're in our old age. hehehehe
__________________
Kevin Scrollsaw Patterns Online Making holes in wood with an EX-30, Craftsman 16" VS, Dremel 1680 and 1671 A wise and frugal government, which shall leave men free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor and bread it has earned - this is the sum of good government. - Thomas Jefferson |
| | | Thread Tools | | | | Display Modes | Linear Mode |
Posting Rules
| You may not post new threads You may not post replies You may not post attachments You may not edit your posts HTML code is Off | | |
Similar Threads | | Thread | Thread Starter | Forum | Replies | Last Post | | Funny Quotes | ChuckD | Off Topic | 1 | 09-13-2006 08:50 PM | | Funny recording | Marcel in Longueuil | Off Topic | 1 | 09-12-2006 12:43 AM | All times are GMT. The time now is 06:03 AM. | |