Olympic Humor

[ChuckD]

Obama is scheduled to speak at the opening ceremony of the Olympics. Nervous, he asks for a teleprompter.

On the day of the speech, he takes to the podium and starts, "Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh."

An aide quickly rushes to his side and whispers, "Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is below that!"




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Three American citizens were standing outside the stadium where the Olympics were being held, bemoaning the fact that none of them could afford a ticket.

All three wanted SO much to be able to see the athletes from their native land compete.

They watched as the competitors entered through a special back gate by telling the guard their country and event.

One of the three friends looked around and found a length of pipe lying on the ground.

He hefted it to his shoulder, walked to the gate and told the guard "England. High jump." And the guard let him in!

"That's fantastic!" cried the second friend. He looked around, picked up a manhole cover, and headed for the special gate. "Russia. Discus," he told the guard, and in he went.

"Amazing" said the third friend, who by now was frantically searching around. But all he could find was some barbed wire. He grabbed it, ran to the gate, and announced "Poland. Fencing."
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The President of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the upcoming London Olympic Games. He told us, 'Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.'


At the Olympic Games, Rhoda meets a man carrying an eight-foot-long metal stick. 'Excuse me,' says Rhoda to the man. 'Are you a pole vaulter?' 'No,"' says the man, 'I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?'


Apparently the maid I hired to clean my house while I was watching the London Olympics was only second best. She just walked off with the silver.


Why isn't "sun tanning" an Olympic sport at London 2012? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.


Olympic Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.


Olympic Football commentator: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.


The Olympics motto is "Citius, Altius, Fortius," which, of course, is Greek for, "Go for the gold, but also try to keep your bones organized."



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10 Funny Olympic Commentating Howlers




The Republic of China - back in the Olympic Games for the first time.

And the line up for the final of the Women's 400 metres hurdles includes three Russians, two East Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman. (Guy had to read the last word again FrenchMAN?)

That's the fastest time ever run - but it's not as fast as the world record.

Old Olympic skiers never die. They just go downhill.

Paralympics: 'They're making great strides with their swimming'.

The late start for this final is due to the time.

Watch the time - it gives you an indication of just how fast they are running (Ron Pickering).

Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition does not like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces".

You won't win silver medals at the Olympic Games unless you're the very, very best. - Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator.

In the 1976 Montreal Olympics, Cuba's Alberto Juantorena won the 400 and 800m gold medal. While describing the 800m race Ron Pickering said: 'And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class'.



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Gold medals haven't been pure gold in years. The 1912 Olympics was the last time that gold medals were solid gold. Ever since, they've been silver with gold plating.



The first Paralympic Games was held in 1948. The name "Paralympics" comes from the words "Parallel" and "Olympics".



In 1900, in France, winners got paintings instead of gold medals. Gold, silver and bronze medals weren't given out until the third modern Olympics in 1904. The French gave the winners paintings because they believed they were more valuable.



The Beijing Olympics, 2008, began at exactly 8:08:08 PM on 8/8/08 because the number 8 is considered lucky in China.



In order for a sport to be considered for inclusion in the Olympics it must be 'widely practiced' by men in at least 75 countries and on four continents, and by women in at least 40 countries and on three continents.



The reason the extra yards were added to the running distance of the marathon to make the total length a rather strange figure of 26 miles and 385 yards was because of the rather whimsical demand of Queen Alexandra of Great Britain, who demanded, in 1908, that the marathon should end below the royal box at London's White City Stadium, which added the extra 385 yards.



The First Marathon: In 490 BCE, Pheidippides, a Greek soldier, ran from Marathon to Athens [about 25 miles] to inform the Athenians the outcome of the battle with invading Persians. The distance was filled with hills and other obstacles; thus Pheidippides arrived in Athens exhausted and with bleeding feet. After telling the townspeople of the Greeks' success in the battle, Pheidippides fell to the ground dead. In 1896, at the first modern Olympic Games, held a race of approximately the same length in commemoration of Pheidippides.


Apparently, the athletes produce as much as two million pounds of dirty laundry. It would take a family of four, 264 years to complete this wash.


The Berlin Games in 1936 were the first games to be televised.


It wasn't until 1900 that women were allowed to participate in the Olympic Games.


In ancient times big sunhats were banned in the crowd, because they blocked other spectators' view.


The running track was 183m [200 yards] long. The Greeks called this measurement a stade - from which we get the word "stadium".


In ancient times married women were prohibited from watching the Games under penalty of death. But in 2012 ....



The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash." –David Letterman


"Olympics can inspire American kids to get active. Or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics." –Conan O'Brien


"Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good." –Conan O'Brien


"At the Beijing Olympics in 2008, they handed out 100,000 condoms. This year it's 150,000. That's 100,000 for the U.S. basketball team and 50,000 for everyone else." –Jimmy Kimmel


"How about those Olympic uniforms? They're made by Ralph Lauren and they're beautiful. They're colorful, they're odd. I mean they look like the cast of 'Glee.' They look like the entire navy of Monaco." –David Letterman


"President Obama said 1992’s dream team was better than this year’s Olympic basketball team. Which is interesting because a lot of people think 1992’s president is better than this year’s president." –Jimmy Fallon


"Well, President Obama and first lady Michelle went to see the U.S. Olympic basketball team play Brazil the other day. And during the game, they were put on the kiss cam. At first, they didn't kiss and the crowd booed them. Then the camera went back to them. And they finally did kiss. Isn't that amazing? A politician in Washington caught on camera kissing a woman he's actually married to?" –Jay Leno


"Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they're just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it's an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing." –Jay Leno


"Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets." –David Letterman


"Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform." –Jay Leno


"I guess you heard about this; the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for Team USA to be worn in the opening ceremony were made in China. Turns out they were made by some of the same kids who could beat us in gymnastics. That's the worst part." –Jay Leno