No offence intended...

[meydenhart]

...and I do not normally hang out in the jokes section much, but I found it funny, so...

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except New Jersey , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded, and a questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
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2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' with out skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
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4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
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13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season

God Save the Queen.

[Neal Moore]

Thank God for the Declaration of Independence!!!! And...if we're going to re-write the dictionary, I believe the word offense should not be spelled with a "c". LOL!!

[Gill]

This has been coming ever since the Brits first heard Dick Van Dyke's Cockney accent in Mary Poppins .

Remind us again, Sue - who were the finalists in the last rugby world cup?

Gill

[Fremmed]

Ok thats it. I was ok with all this until you canceled baseball! I'm on my way to the market to purchase a case of tea bags to throw in the ocean. Don't know how that'll help, but darn, I have that right!

[Janette]

Well, it works well for Canada !

[William Young]

Well, it works well for Canada !
__________________
Janette

Yep, some of it sure does because old Queen Lizzy still like to think she controls us Canadians.

I can go along with with the parts about the metric system which a lot of us detest and still don't understand and was imposed upon us . Lookout USA . . . I have heard you will be next for the metric system and you can join us in trying to figure it out .
The spelling part is also a reality and I sometimes use the American Version and sometimes the Canadian (British) version with the extra "U)" s (like I was taught in school here) and sometimes a combination of the two

All in all it was a very funny read and very appropriate for a Jokes board.

W.Y.

[PuzzledMoose]

I'd seen that before Sue, but I must admit it always makes me grin.

Somewhere there is an "answer" to that that one from the Americans - can't find it at the moment though ..

Bill, I always though Canadian Loonies were named after the bird on the coin - until I turned one over ....

[sawdustus]

Very funny, caused multiple grins this morning. I agree that we should be using the metric system, it's easier and more logical than the English system we are using, and I think that #'s 3,5,6,7,10 and 12 are especially needed. As for beer, I'm sorry, but Sam Adams makes some wonderful brews. Very appropriate for a joke section.

Sawdustus

[Minnesota scroller]

I was taught that we were going metric, back when I was in high school. This was back in the early 70's. I doubt it will happen.

And come on, back taxes dated all the way back to 1776. I can't afford last year's.

If we had an efficient government, I may have got defensive. Not really. But, I'm beginning to think someone should take over our govt., but a woman?

[Barefoot1]

OK, you can have congress and no, we won't notice except we would not be spending money on stupid crap. And as for beer, I prefer Thomas Paine Ale, I believe it is brewed by Harvey's of Lewes founded in 1790, good stuff. It is about the only thing with any real taste to come out of Brittan however for real beir one must travel to Germany. And speaking of taste the Brits can not with any good conscience discuss anything to do with anything in the culinary arts. You boil meet for God's sake. I am also with you on Football, get rid of it and replace it with Rugby, like the say - Give Blood, Play Rugby.
Proud to be an American of British descent, even with all our faults!