Basic shop tools and their uses

[Plaquerd]

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching a wooden object out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, smashing the freshly cut fret work which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh s#!t!"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good wood into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[minowevie]

Ha Ha, gosh Dave, someone needs to read derictions. and follow them. to funny. those things never happend to me,,,,,,,,This week, your friend Evie

[PuzzledMoose]

ROTFL - there's a lot of truth in some of those, Dave.

[Fremmed]

Thanks Dave, If I might be so bold as to add a couple of my tools.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: As above. Also used for locating all blood vessels between the tip of the thumb and the wrist.
Rechargeable Drill: Portable drilling/driving device specifically designed to stop working at the precise time that it is needed for drilling or driving.
Shovel: Tool designed to locate and sever PVC sprinkler pipe.
Pick-ax: See shovel. Tool designed to make small marks on tree roots followed by large marks on shins.
Socket set: Very handy tool for unscrewing bolts. Unfortunately the socket that is needed for the project is missing.

[sawdustus]

ROTFLOL. Thanks, a good laugh is the best way to start the day. My oldest son will love them.

Sawdustus

[ajay]

Got my day off to a good start with that Dave. Thanks

[Doc249HMCS]

I have more than a few of those tools.

[david804]

I have done too many of those things to make any real comment. A hammer is also useful for trapping your hand under the rear end of a truck when you are removing the rear tires to take to the scrap yard. By the way it will trap you with you approximately 1 foot of reach from any jack you could use to lift aforementioned truck off your hand allowing you to make the dreaded HELP!!! call hoping your 17year old will come and assist you. (Last Friday)
David

[JohnB]

Hey Dave,
You been going through my tool box

[sawdustus]

From my oldest son. I knew he would love them.

The oxy-acetylene torch is also very useful for welding the piece of metal you are trying to cut to the metal workbench you are using to support the piece you are trying to cut. It's also very useful for permanently attaching the pieces you are welding to the visegrips. See Visegrips below

sawdustus